Making THEM guess only makes YOU suffer
“I have come to believe over and over again that what is most important to me must be spoken, made verbal and shared, even at the risk of having it bruised or misunderstood…My silences had not protected me. Your silences will not protect you….What are the words you do not yet have? What are the tyrannies you swallow day by day and attempt to make your own, until you will sicken and die of them, still in silence? We have been socialized to respect fear more than our own need for language.” -Audre Lorde
Having reasonable expectations isn’t the same thing as being clear with others.
In other words, the mere fact that your expectations may be fair (given your background assumptions and so forth) does not, in and of itself, mean that other people will be consciously aware of what you’re expecting from them.
In relationships, being reasonable is not enough. One must put forth the effort necessary to communicate.
Making sense inside of your own head will never be a good substitute for making your needs known.
It’s easy to find loyal friends who’ll comfort us by saying “I totally see your point of view.” It’s a lot harder to take responsibility for articulating that point of view to the people who can actually do something about it.
If you need something, figure out a way (and yes, that involves work, study, risk, and possible discomfort) to get your message across.
Don’t settle for being a reasonable complainer or an understandable martyr. Stand up, step forward, and speak out.
Your needs matter. Why risk leaving their fulfillment in the hands of someone else’s ability to guess what they are?
This is an excellent complement to your post on the
“Unexpressed life is not worth living.”
If we strive for visibility, we need to express
ourselves in words. We are not mind readers.
(A big mistake, especially among family members.)
Otherwise we start to live a life of “quiet desperation”
because we haven’t learned to express ourselves and
our needs. And as we become more skilled at this,
we become more conscious of others’ needs.
There is a magnificent energy released as we search
for those eloquent words. They help to define us.
I have seen the profound difference in people who
have learned to express themselves—to put into
words their truest thoughts— and, in turn, to help
others to do likewise.
There is a simple statement of learning to ask for
what you want. How can you do so without putting
it into words.
Many beautiful posts. Enjoying them all.
This is where I live. Only I am doing the communicating, research, and discomfort. For now I choose to pursue soliciting essential communication from 3 loved ones who are unable to communicate or maybe know what they feel or are willing to undertake. I need words; I am so NOT psychic. It’s very heavy, and I may soon choose to leave the consequences of abdicated choices to those who abdicated, and put my hard effort into things that make my life better for me. I love your clear, concise articulation of really substantial thoughts. Blessings! Diane