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Regret, Remorse, & Resistance

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Could you have taken a different path? Of course, but that would still be true had you taken a different path.

No matter what you choose to do, it’s possible to get stuck in the trap of believing you would have been much happier, healthier, and richer if you had taken the other path.

We usually work very hard to avoid regret before making big decisions. “I could do this really practical thing over here, but I’ll regret it forever if I don’t try that really artistic thing over there.”

The real work, however, begins after you’ve ran all those calculations. The real work begins when you’ve made it halfway down the path that wears your name and you hear a voice that says “Would I have been better off had I just stayed in my comfort zone?”

When (not if) you have those moments, here’s a distinction you may find useful: remorse versus resistance.

Remorse is when you know you’ve done something that contradicts your principles and you feel genuine moral conviction about it. It’s the sound of your conscience calling you back home.

Resistance is when you find yourself lost in unfalsifiable speculation about how much happier you could be in some theoretical world where challenges, uncertainties, and risks don’t exist. It’s the sound of your lizard brain calling you back to your comfort zone.

Remorse sounds like “I know that I don’t like this. Therefore, I need to change something about my life.”

Resistance sounds like “I don’t know how this is going to turn out. Therefore, I was probably better off doing that other thing.”

Remorse appeals to your conscience. It says “I’m not in agreement with myself about how I’m living.”

Resistance appeals to your convenience. It says “it’s probably better to not rock the boat.”

Remorse is about how much better your life will be if you look in the mirror, face the truth, and make things right.

Resistance is about how much better your life will be if you sit down, shut up, and stay in your place.

Your sense of remorse is there to keep you grounded. The voice of resistance is there to hold you back.

When it comes to your dreams, stay grounded but don’t hold back.

There’s always another path. Happiness, however, doesn’t come from hypothetical scenarios about other paths. It comes from honoring your principles, taking one step at a time, and realizing that the best path is the one you create by following your convictions past the point of your resistance.

At least that’s the way I see it.

How to Rise Above the Fear of Getting Stuck

The people who get to have the most exciting jobs are the ones who are willing to do the boring things no one else wants to do.

The professional athlete, musician, writer, actor, freelancer, entrepreneur, you name the title and the principle holds. If it’s the kind of job that lots of people would love to have, it’s also the kind of job that’s going to require some choices that lots of people are scared to make.

In today’s episode of Praxis Daily, a series of daily videos where one of my Praxis teammates riffs on a concept for ten minutes or less, I talk about the fear of getting stuck in an unpleasant job and how that actually leads to behaviors that usually result in more patterns of getting stuck.

I’ve often said that the best way to get where you want to be is by embracing and respecting the possibilities of the present moment. Check out this video where I expand on this theme and make a case for bringing your best self to every moment.

Freedom Through Sacrifice

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There are two ways to be free: You can be free from something or you can be free for something.

The first way is about being liberated from constraints.

The second way is about having the ability to create a result that matters to you.

If you hate your boss, for instance, you can be free from your boss by quitting your job.

If you enjoy playing the piano, however, you can only be free to do so if you take the time to master the basics.

The first kind of freedom is usually obtained by walking away from an unpleasant situation, but the second form can only be obtained by putting in the time and effort necessary to develop a difficult skill.

I had a friend back in college who played on the football team. Whenever we’d hang out, I would eat candy and fast food. He never joined me in my indulgences. As a scholarship athlete, he wasn’t allowed to eat that kind of stuff. At the time, I considered myself to be more free than him because I was free to eat whatever I wanted. I possessed no dietary constraints. Whenever Saturdays would come around, however, my other friends and I would go to the games to watch him play. He was phenomenal. He was able to do all sorts of fun and amazing things on the football field precisely because he chose to honor the constraints that made it possible. Because he sacrificed his freedom from dietary restrictions, he was able to experience the freedom of mastery.

Here’s what I learned from my friend: The freedom to avoid discomfort isn’t always the same as the power to make something happen. And in order to experience the latter, sometimes you have to sacrifice the former.

As Michael Card wrote. “It’s hard to imagine the freedom we find from the things we leave behind.”

Sometimes the best way to transcend your constraints is by taking on some new ones.

Do You Really Deserve to Question Your Own Worthiness?

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There’s a voice inside your head telling you that you’re not worthy enough.

“You’re not worthy enough to try” or “You’re not worthy enough to make that kind of money” or “You’re not worthy enough to do that kind of work” or “You’re not worthy enough to live the life you want to live.”

Most people will tell you to push past that voice, to have the courage to defy it. Others will tell you to refute that voice, to use the power of logic to prove to yourself that you actually are worthy.

I propose an agnostic approach. Instead of trying to ignore or contradict the voice that’s saying “you’re not worthy”, concede the possibility and move on. That is, be open to the idea that none of us are worthy of anything including the very fact of our existence.

Before you were born, were you worthy of being born? How could you have been worthy of receiving the gift of life when you didn’t even exist yet? What exactly did you create or achieve before you were conceived to get to a point where you deserved to exist?  Maybe life is a gift that we receive not because we deserve it, but because we live in a universe of abundance and possibility.

Instead of carrying around the burden of justifying what life has inspired to you long for, why not give yourself permission to be who you are and to want what you want simply because the universe allows room for it?

Besides, even if you’re not worthy to have the kind of life you want, what makes you think you’re worthy of dismissing the possibility without first giving yourself a chance to find out through personal experience? If you’re unworthy of the former, wouldn’t you also be unworthy of the latter? If you’re not worthy of life and all its goodness, then how did you somehow become worthy to question life and all its goodness?

The question of worthiness is irrelevant because you don’t need to be worthy in order to step up and share whatever it is you have to offer. Life may very well be a stage, but it’s not an audition. You’ve already been giving the part of “you” whether you deserve it or not, so you might as well let the world feel the impact of who you are.

The next time your inner voices asks “Are you worthy enough to do that?” just turn within and say “Dear inner voice of resistance, is that question truly worthy of an answer?”

What would you dare to do if you stopped having debates about who deserves to do it?

Having a Point is the Starting Point

Purpose precedes productivity.

Before you pour yourself into a bunch of hard work, form a coherent concept of what you want and get clear on why it matters to you.

As Simon Sinek says “start with why.”

“Why” is different from “what.”

“What” is about the thing you think you’re supposed to do. It’s about finding the right answers so you can do what you’re told.

“Why” is about the element that brings meaning to your activities. It’s answer that no one can tell you because you have to make it up.

Instead of obsessing over the illusion of a single correct choice, focus on what aligns with your priorities and principles.

And instead of hustling just to hustle, get clear on what you’re hustling towards and how that fits with your personal mission.

You don’t need to have all the answers before you begin, but you do need to know what the point of beginning is.

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