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Making THEM guess only makes YOU suffer

“I have come to believe over and over again that what is most important to me must be spoken, made verbal and shared, even at the risk of having it bruised or misunderstood…My silences had not protected me. Your silences will not protect you….What are the words you do not yet have? What are the tyrannies you swallow day by day and attempt to make your own, until you will sicken and die of them, still in silence? We have been socialized to respect fear more than our own need for language.” -Audre Lorde

Having reasonable expectations isn’t the same thing as being clear with others.

In other words, the mere fact that your expectations may be fair (given your background assumptions and so forth) does not, in and of itself, mean that other people will be consciously aware of what you’re expecting from them.

In relationships, being reasonable is not enough. One must put forth the effort necessary to communicate.

Making sense inside of your own head will never be a good substitute for making your needs known.

It’s easy to find loyal friends who’ll comfort us by saying “I totally see your point of view.” It’s a lot harder to take responsibility for articulating that point of view to the people who can actually do something about it.

If you need something, figure out a way (and yes, that involves work, study, risk, and possible discomfort) to get your message across.

Don’t settle for being a reasonable complainer or an understandable martyr. Stand up, step forward, and speak out.

Your needs matter. Why risk leaving their fulfillment in the hands of someone else’s ability to guess what they are?

The unexpressed life (is not worth living)

I Can't Speak“Don’t bend; don’t water it down; don’t try to make it logical; don’t edit your own soul according to the fashion. Rather, follow your most intense obsessions mercilessly.” -Franz Kafka

None of us want to be abandoned.

None of us want to feel rejected.

No one wakes up in the morning hoping they will hear someone say, “I don’t love you anymore”, “I don’t like the person you’ve become”, or “I’m no longer interested in being friends.

Nevertheless, we all must, at some point, exercise the courage necessary to let the people in our lives experience the truth of who we are.

Sometimes, they will surprise us with their ability to accept us unconditionally.

Sometimes, they will disappoint us with their disapproval.

Either way, when we are honest in the places that we need to be, we will discover what it is like to experience our relationships as accurate reflections of our real self.

Audre Lorde wrote: “I have come to believe over and over again that what is most important to me must be spoken, made verbal and shared, even at the risk of having it bruised or misunderstood.” 

What’s worse: 1) having an opinion that gets bruised? or 2) having a life that feels bitter and boring because you’re too afraid to have an opinion?

What sounds more scary: 1) Being misunderstood? or 2) being miserable and mundane because you never take the risk of being misunderstood?

Socrates said, “the unexamined life is not worth living.”

Ditto for the unexpressed life.

The wisdom of making love


“Don’t explain your philosophy. Embody it.” -Epictetus

The touch of a lover’s hand is more than a thousand insights.

The taste of a passion-filled kiss is more illuminating than a lifetime of contemplation.

Of all the knowledge to be gained, none is greater than that which is attained in a single hour of making love.

Audre Lorde wrote: “Our erotic knowledge empowers us, becomes a lens through which we scrutinize all aspects of our existence, forcing us to evaluate those aspects honestly in terms of their relative meaning within our lives.”

To romanticize is to philosophize.

To embrace the sensual is to make sense of the usual.

If philosophy is the love of wisdom, then the denial of love-making is the height of foolishness.

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