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Good girls, bad guys, and the law of attraction

In my last post, I addressed a question about how the scientific notion of “opposites attract” relates to the popular idea known as “the law of attraction.” That post is a background for this one. To read, please click here. In a recent discussion with a friend and fellow blogger, Chaz (click here for his inspiring blog), I was prompted to think about the age-old phenomenon of the “good girl” who goes for the “bad guy” and how that relates, if at all, to the idea that “like attracts like”.  What follows is my explorative effort to reconcile the two. Let’s dive in and see what happens, shall we? Cheers 🙂 -TK

The “good girl” and the “bad boy”

Let’s say there’s a quiet, shy, and reserved lady who’s regarded by everyone she knows as a morally conservative “good girl.”  She’s never drank before; never uttered a swear word; never angered anyone; never rebelled against authority. She’s always been a good student, friend, and employee because she’s never failed to do the “right things”.

However, she has a budding taste for a more adventurous life. She’s not necessarily bored, but she does long to venture out beyond the confines of her known world. She would love to have someone in her life who challenges her to step outside of her comfort zones, take risks, and explore new possibilities.

Along comes the town “bad boy.” He breaks all the rules, takes hogwash from no one, rides a motorcycle, and rebels against authority as a profession. He arrogantly thinks he’s above the law, walks with a champion’s swagger, and feels quite sure of himself.

Although a part of our “good girl” wants the kind of man from the romantic comedies, she still finds herself drawn to this “bad boy” none of her friends ever thought she’d go for.

How could it be?

Opposites really do attract, right?

Not so fast!

There’s more than meets the eye

In my last post, “Law of Attraction or Opposites Attract?”, I said the following:

If you observe closely, you’ll find that every instance of attraction involves both opposites and similarities depending on what vantage point you are looking at it from.

I believe this holds true for the “good girls/bad boys” phenomenon too.

Let’s take a deeper look:

Although they appear to be opposites on a superficial level, our “good girl” and “bad boy” have a high degree of energetic compatibility.

The “bad boy’s” reckless persona is vibrating at the same frequency as the “good girl’s” taste for adventure and self-exploration.

With his confidence and experience, he offers her the opportunity to safely follow his lead while he introduces her to a way of living that breaks her free from the monotony of her routine life. He might not be the ideal guy for her in the long-term, but the energy of what he lives is highly compatible with the energy she’s curious to explore.

Ladies who are often considered “good girls”  frequently report that although “bad boys” are less than ideal dating candidates, they tend to exhibit leadership qualities that they find very appealing.

Contrary to outward appearances, this is not a simple one-sided case of “opposites attract.” It’s also a classic example of “like attracts like” when looked at from an alternative point of view.

The real opposite may not be what you think

Many so-called “good guys” are actually the true opposite of what some “good girls” are looking for.

“Good guys” make great employees because they show up on time, say all the right things, and never offend anyone, but their tendency to always play it safe  can very easily make them seem boring to someone who is already all too familiar with that world.

The world has never seen a creative person or a great leader who wasn’t willing to take the risk of saying or doing something that could be deemed offensive.

Some “good guys” tend to earn their reputation by avoiding such risks as if they were plagues. They may attend the same church as the “good girls”, but outside of superficial qualities they may have very little in common.

Let’s imagine a first date scenario:

The good girl says her favorite movie is “Romeo & Juliet.”

The good guy responds by saying all the right things. By playing it safe in order to avoid ruining the date, he fails to take her outside of her known world with a fresh opinion. He’s good, safe, harmless, and….BORING!

The bad boy laughs, gives 10 reasons why he hates that movie, and then changes the subject to politics AND religion. Although she completely disagrees with him and doesn’t necessarily enjoy having her favorite movie laughed at, the “bad boy” creates intrigue by offering a way of looking at the world that differs from hers. “Hmmm. In what other ways is he capable of doing this?” 2nd date!

This is not a formula, of course. It doesn’t always work this way. All women don’t look for the same thing. All “good girls” aren’t into “bad boys.” All “good girls” who are into “bad boys” aren’t into the same kind of “bad boys.” All “good guys” aren’t boring. The details of every situation differs so you’re not going to win someone’s heart with a formula you create from my blog. This isn’t dating advice nor is it a sweeping assessment of the wide range of personality types our world is filled with.

My point is much more fundamental and here it is:

When we observe instances in which opposites seem to attract, it’s only because we are focusing primarily on those elements in the situation that are different from one another. We’re comparing the outfits that are being worn, the jobs they work at, their respective genders, the color of their skin, their religious beliefs, the music they listen to, etc.

But we live in a world of great diversity and the possibilities for attraction extend far beyond the range of what can always be detected with the visible eye.

Why? Because there is more to what we are than our physical makeup and our outer appearances.

Everything in the Universe is made of energy and that includes us. We are energy-beings. This energy vibrates according to the pattern of our thoughts, words, feelings, character, and actions.

What does this have to do with tough-minded optimism?

Once you grasp why opposites seem to attract, you can make this understanding work for you.

There may be something you desire to have in your life; companionship, abundance, adventure, a fulfilling career, or improved health.

From your current point of view, the object of your desire may seem to be the complete opposite of who you are or what you possess.

Your desire for companionship, for instance, may be the complete opposite of your current predicament of loneliness. Your desire for abundance may be the complete opposite of your present condition of financial lack.

Don’t compare what your current situation LOOKS LIKE to what your desired situation LOOKS LIKE.

Raise your vibration by adjusting your attitude and tune into the frequency of well-being.  

Establish energetic compatibility between your thoughts and the conditions you desire. And with time and practice, you can magnetize those very things into your experience.

Cheers,

T.K. Coleman

86% of your week is problem free Pt 2

Yesterday’s post (click here to read) addressed the idea that our problems, measured as physical events occurring in real-time, constitute a very small percentage of  our actual lives. Yet, these “small” problems seem to set the tone of our entire day. A 15 minute argument with a co-worker can amount to a week’s worth of sleeplessness. Let’s talk a bit about why this happens.

Most problems are imaginary

One of the primary reasons that small problems seem to consume so much of our energy is because we’re conditioned to use our imagination against ourselves.

Not only do we argue with the “jerks” at work, but we take them home with us in our imaginations and continue our debates. We fantasize about what we should have said or will say next time. Not only do we embarrass ourselves at work, but we actively choose to subject ourselves to the experience over and over again by reenacting it in our imagination.

It’s bad enough when others seem to create trouble for us. It’s even tougher when we create trouble for ourselves by voluntarily meditating on unpleasant experiences.

It seems that in many cases where “bad” events do happen to us, our greatest problem lies in how we use our imaginations to sustain and amplify the existence of the event.

If you can’t find it on a map, it’s in your mind

As physical events, most of your unpleasant encounters don’t even exist anymore. They’re nowhere “out there” for you to find.

That embarrassing moment you had last month when you put your foot in your mouth? You’d have to hop into a time machine to find it now.

The guy who cut you off in traffic this morning is not in front of you right now. He’s somewhere having the time of his life at a pool party while you can’t even enjoy your dinner because you keep talking about him.

Get inside of your own head before someone else does

Most of your troubles exist primarily in the mental world of memory, imagination, and interpretation.

If you can just get control of that, you can significantly reduce the amount of daily stress, frustration, and unhappiness you feel.

Resist the temptation to start dwelling on the things you can’t change (ie. past events that don’t exist anymore).

Focus more on what’s going on inside of you and you’ll have a lot more psychological and physical energy available for the more difficult problems.

In the future, I’ll be talking more about how you can reduce stress by reorganizing and gaining more control over the contents of consciousness.

For now, that’s today’s two cents.

Cheers,

T.K. Coleman

86% of your week is problem free

 
Conflict is an idea that exist primarily in the mind. As I minimize conflict in my thoughts, I reduce conflict in my experience.

90% mind, 10% matter

Have you ever heard the idea that your world is 90% mind, 10% matter?

It’s been well said that “life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you react to it”. Let’s really think about this for a moment, because this would be a very important concept if it’s actually true.

Even if we can’t do anything about 10% of our lives, 90% is still an awfully high percentage to maintain control over. Most people I know would be thrilled if they could just improve their lives by a mere 50%.

What’s the bottom line?

Let’s conduct a thought experiment.

Close your eyes and imagine an unpleasant experience from your past. It can be an argument with a friend, an embarrassing moment at work, whatever makes you feel unpleasant. Take your time and relive that experience thoroughly. Done?

Now ask yourself “how long was that event in real-time?” How much time did you actually spend arguing with your friend or embarrassing yourself at work? Please keep in mind the fact that I am not asking you to measure how long the problem affected you? I only want you to calculate how long the physical event of being in the presence of the problem actually lasted.

Do the math

While most of our unpleasant experiences may be relatively short-lived, let’s just assume that your experience lasted for a full, non-stop, uninterrupted period of 24hrs.

Now take 24hrs and divide that by the number of hours you’ve lived in the past week (168hrs per week).

24hrs/168hrs= 0.14

So that problem, measured as a physical event, constitutes about 14% of your life in the past week alone.

Is this not astonishing?

How can an unpleasant event that only comprises a meager 14% of our entire week, dominate our whole lives?

In Tomorrow’s post, I’ll give my two cents on why we allow “the 14%”, or what Richard Carlson called “the small stuff”, to push us around and block us from the life of happiness that is rightfully ours.

I hope you’ll join me. In the meantime, keep your head up.

Cheers 🙂

T.K. Coleman

Kiss the Frog: Creating happiness through the power of appreciation

The fear of being stuck with happiness

Everybody wants to be happy.

Even though we all want to be happy in theory, we don’t always give ourselves permission.

Why would we do that? Because happiness is considered to be dangerous.

Although every one wants to feel good, we fear that being happy will pacify us and ultimately destroy us.

Unhappiness is like an abusive lover that we’re afraid to leave because we don’t believe in our ability to get through life successfully without having him in our lives.

We’re afraid to love our lives as they are because we fear being stuck with an unwanted condition.

If we allow ourselves to be happy NOW, even though we have some things going on that we don’t like, we fear we might become complacent.

To many people, being happy no matter what sounds identical to settling for less. On the surface, it seems so much more responsible to analyze what’s wrong than to appreciate what’s right.

Appreciation might be the moral thing to do, but who wants to get stuck with a mediocre life? So we dismiss appreciation as a waste of time and dive right into the bad stuff. After all, that’s what we’re trying to get rid of, right? So WHY NOT focus more on the bad stuff?

Rethinking the concept of appreciation

 
Well, contrary to popular belief, appreciation is not just an act of maturity. It’s an act of creativity. When we highlight and emphasize what’s good about our lives, we ascend to a level of consciousness that empowers us to create more of the same.

There are some who would have you believe that you shouldn’t be happy as long as there are things wrong with your life or the world. This idea is based on the notion that happiness is just a fleeting emotional sensation. At its deepest level, however, Joy is a creative force. When you feel good, you are in alignment with the very energy that creates worlds. And no state of being is more powerful or productive than that.

Waiting for your life to improve before you choose to be happy would be like the princess waiting for the frog to turn into a prince BEFORE she kissed it. It doesn’t work that way. At some point you just gotta pucker up and love all the ugly aspects of your life. Because you enjoy kissing frogs? No! Because your prince is trapped inside of there and you’re not going to let “being grossed out” keep you separate from him.

But you’ve gotta kiss the frog FIRST.

“I aint kissing that bleeping frog”, you may be thinking.

Well you don’t get to see the prince of your dreams until you chuck it up and kiss that ugly thing sitting over there.

“I’ll really live life once it becomes lovable” we think. But you have to love your life until it becomes livable.

That’s what tough-minded optimism is all about!

What are your thoughts?

Cheers 🙂

T.K. Coleman

The unwanted is the underestimated in disguise Pt 2

I ended my last post (click here to read) by mentioning the power we have to promote problematic people and situations to a more useful function in life through the making of slight adjustments in perspective. Let’s continue following that train of thought.

The power of the processing process

 
You are free to be my enemy. I cannot control your freedom of choice with my thoughts. But I am free to process my personal experience of you in whatever manner I choose and it is this choice, alone, which determines my fate in life.

What is often left out of most discussions on dealing with unwanted people and conditions, is the sovereignty we maintain in how we “process” our experiences. “Processing” refers to a set of activities which include interpreting what a given event  means, assessing the value it has, determining what its relationship is to other elements in one’s life, and deciding what kind of response best fits the situation.

Understanding the options available to us in the “processing process” is the key to realizing the limitless extent of our creative power. More specifically, in this context, “processing” is the primary tool we use to maintain the control necessary to alchemize the personal and circumstantial enemies in our lives.

The coat of many colors

In the Book of Genesis, we are told the story of Joseph, the boy who wore the coat of many colors. As a child, his heart was filled with many wonderful dreams. But his brothers envied him and sold him into slavery. They stripped him of his prize coat, poured the blood of an animal over it, and concocted a story of how he’d been killed by a wild beast.

While most people would have been emotionally and spiritually defeated by such a cruel act of betrayal, Joseph kept his focus on well-being. Joseph had been stripped of his material coat, but that was only a temporary outer symbol of his inward ability to colorfully clothe the unwanted conditions of his life with creative thinking.

The energy of his positive focus radiated throughout the Universe and attracted a sequence of seemingly miraculous events which culminated in him becoming a great ruler. At a later time, when his brothers apologized, Joseph said to them;

“You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives.”

Joseph understood this great principle of thinking in harmony with the laws of well-being.

Affirming autonomy in the face of adversity

This philosophy is not a matter of letting people run over us. Nor is it a lesson which promises that we will be loved by all people.

This is a powerful dosage of esoteric wisdom which reminds us of the divinely endowed ability we have to transform our reality through the creative power of thought.

When we affirm autonomy in the face of adversity; and confess order in the presence of opposition, then we summon only those qualities from others that find agreement with our harmonious thoughts.

In this way, we “please the Lord.” When we “please the Lord”, those people, places, and conditions which once seemed to work against us will take on a new function. Though they may swear against our joy, they will be the very instruments by which that joy is obtained.

There’s an old saying “if you can’t beat them, join them.” Well, the reverse is also true. If someone can’t beat you, then they must join you. If you let no one defeat your joy, then they must become a contributor to your joy, whether they know that’s what they’re doing or not.

That’s just how powerful you are when you think in harmony with the Divine Order that exists at the very center of your being.

That’s my two cents. How do you intend to invest that?

T.K. Coleman

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